Shadow of myself
by TheDoc80
Summary: About family, hurt, lies, secret and love. MerDer.
1. Chapter 1: 42 Days

It was hard for me. I don't know how I get up in the mornings. I fell for a married man. I fell hard and fast for him. I let down my guard for him and here I am. Broken. Wrecked. Devastated. He did this to me. He made me fell in love with him. And then he shattered me into million pieces. He didn't even tell me that he is married. And I didn't see it coming. One minute we were Derek and Meredith. And in the next his wife was standing in front of us. He told me his story. She cheated on him with his best friend. And still he chose her over me. I begged him. _Pick me. Choose me. Love me. _I never did such a humiliate thing in my whole life. And still I'm alone. **Devastated**. Not that he would have the decency and heading back with his wife to New York where he belonged. No they still here. In Seattle. My Seattle. I grew up. I grew up in this hospital. It's the place where I learned reading and writing. The place where I learned everything about surgery. It's my sanctuary. And it always was my sanctuary. Since I was a little girl I knew this place like the back of my palm. I knew the best hiding spots. But recently it seems no matter where I try to hiding one of the both will always find me. Why doesn't he leave me alone? Why doesn't he pack all his belongings and going back to New York? Why does he have to torture me? It almost feels like he is enjoying the torture. It's been 42 days since he officially chose Addison over me. I have no idea how I survived these 42 days. I think my friend Jose played a big part in it. And the endless list of mine one night stand in the last 42 days. How I can pick up every night another meaningless guy to have sex with him? My imagination helps me. Every time I imagine that it is _him_. It even hurts too much to say his name. Currently I'm in a very dark place and I have no idea how I get out of the darkness. But this morning I decided that I definitely need a change. So, no more Jose and now more one night stand. My focus will be work. Just work. This is why I ended up here in first place. Being a surgeon. And I mean the latest events in my life they fit perfectly into the rest of my life. Growing up without knowing who you father is and a mother who gave a shit about you. But at least she left me with the name _"Grey"_. So yeah at least I am a royal in the medical field. And now I'm living up her legacy. Since the latest events I don't want to spend more time in neuro and with _him_. So maybe I will spend more time in general. Just like my mother. They always say: like mother like daughter. I mean I always wanted to find a way to cure here disease. Because I'm well aware of the fact that I could have the Alzheimer's gene just like my mother. But you see _he _made it impossible for me to find a way to cure Alzheimer's.

So right now I know my live is shattered into million pieces like so often. But this time I have no idea how to put all the broken pieces back together. But I will try to find a way. I will try to move forward. I have to move forward. Wanna know the worst thing about my situation? I always thought _he _is different than all the others. But in the end he just abandoned me like every other person in my life. I trusted him and he left me. He left me at a really dark place.

And being right now at the Seattle Grace Hospital is the toughest I had to go throw. Everyone was staring at me and judging me. I was the one who was sleeping with a married attending. I was the home wrecker. I could see it in their eyes. They judged me. So I had no one in my corner at this place. And to be honest I had no one in my corner outside of this place. I never give much about friendships. I was always the girl in the last row with black clothes and pink hair. I was always the freak. I didn't care about the fact that I was alone. My only goal in live was going to med school and becoming a surgeon. So I went to med school and I became a surgeon. Okay I'm still an intern I still have to learn a lot but I'm a surgeon. So alright I got a little distracted. I now I know what my mother meant when she told me that I need to be focused. For a few months in my life I wasn't focused enough. I let myself go and it cost me a lot. But this ends today. I will be focused again. I don't need people in my life. I will give a shit about _him_ and his wife. I'm going to build up my wall again. I need it. I need to be focused. Focused on medicine and focused on surgery. I am the one the other has to beat. I am and I will be the number one. I will be a shark. And to be shark I need a sharp mind. So, goodbye to Jose too.


	2. Chapter 2: New Day

I woke up without a hangover. I woke up without a headache. And it felt good. I didn't allow myself to think about anything else. Nothing except for medicine. The only way not to think about anything else than surgery and medicine was to work more. Starting today. It was the beginning of my 48 hours shift. And after these 48 hours I needed a plan how to stay longer in the hospital and practice medicine. I got up in the. The floor was cold. I shivered. But I felt good. I felt some kind of alive. I turned on the shower and got ready for work.

I arrived early. I was alone in the locker room and I felt relieved. It meant that I wouldn't earn judging looks form the other interns. They already hated me enough because Ellis Grey was my mother. I wasn't that I wanted them to like me but I wanted to be someone they don't care about. I wanted them to have a neutral attitude towards me. Just like I had a neutral attitude towards them. Just coexisting. That was my plan for _him_ too. **Coexisting**. The door opened and Yang came in. Somehow I liked her. She wasn't judging and she didn't care. She was focused. I appreciate her attitude. She looked at me. But still not judging. _"You're early"_, she stated. _"So are you"_, I told her. _"Any good cases this morning?"_ she asked me. _"Nope. Nothing good came in tonight."_ I replied. _"What a shame."_ Since the conversation with Yang was over I decided to read one of my many medical journals until Dr. Bailey what march in and tell us our assignments for today. Yang seated herself next to me. She didn't seem so calm like normally. But I didn't care. _"I was sleeping with Burke you know." _ She blurted out. _"He dumped me when I told him I didn't want a relationship and playing his housewife. But what he did to you. That's just a low blow."_ I just nodded and she took out a medical journal too. And I thought to myself at least one who isn't judging and maybe I had one person in my corner. I scared me. I liked that thought. I never bonded with someone. And she seemed like she didn't bond with people too. Slowly the locker room got filled by the other interns. O'Malley and Stevens came together and the last one of our group who arrived was Karev. I appreciated Karev attitude too. He didn't give a shit about gossip and the problems from the people around him. I wasn't even sure if he cared about his patients. But Stevens and O'Malley the loved gossiping and judging. And every morning they were giving me their judging looks and they were talking about me. I couldn't hear them but I knew it. It was the same this morning. But this time Stevens looked at me and asked _"Who's next on your attending list? Burke?" _I decided to ignore her when I heard Yang _"Mind your own business blondie. You're just jealous of her."_ I couldn't believe it. She just defended me. And Karev was on Yang side. _"Yeah. Mind your own business and leave her alone." _Yang and Karev defended me. I couldn't believe it. I mouthed _"Thank you" _to them. I had two people in my corner. For the first time in my life I had people in my corner. I didn't ask for it. Somehow it felt pretty good. Bailey marched in and eyed us. She spoke calmly _"Grey Dr. Shepherd requested you." _I looked at her and shook my head. Why is he doing this to me? That's when Yang asked Bailey _"Is it possible if I work with Dr. Shepherd today? I would love to make more experience in Neuro." _Bailey didn't look pleased but she nodded and said a simple _"Alright. So Grey you will work with Dr. Burke today. Stevens you are with Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. O'Malley you will cover the pit and Karev you're with me today." _Yang and I made our way out of the locker room to find Dr. Burke and Dr. Shepherd. _"Thank you for doing this for me. I owe you a big one."_ Yang smiled and said _"No need. You're doing me a favor too. Remember?"_ We saw them standing at the Nurse Station a glanced over to Yang and said _"Here we go."_ We walked up to the Nurse Station when _he_ noticed us. He glanced up from his file and smiled at me. _"Good morning Dr. Grey. We have an interesting case today." _The second he finished Yang spoke up. _"Actually Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Bailey assigned me to your service today. Dr. Grey is working with Dr. Burke. It's me and you and an interesting case." _Yang enjoyed it to see his smile fade. Mission completed. Burke watched to whole interaction and said _"Let's go Grey. We have a busy schedule today."_ I walked away with Burke and I didn't look back. I felt so good. I mean what was he thinking? Requesting me for his service. Stupid brain man. Didn't he get the memo? He left me. He chose her. And since this morning I had two people in my corner. Maybe three. Bailey. She was the whole reason why I didn't have to work with him. And considering the fact that he was also her boss I could say she was in my corner too. So the morning just started but I felt confident. Confident about the fact that focusing on my work was working.

It was lunch time. Since I started working as an intern a bought a snack in the cafeteria and ate my lunch on the gurneys in the basement. All by myself. So this was the plan for today too. Hurry up in the cafeteria and going unnoticed to the basement. But today I didn't leave the cafeteria unnoticed. I was followed. Followed by _him_. But Yang and Karev paid attention and cut off his way. So now I wasn't followed by _ him _ but from Yang and Karev. They found me in basement. My medical books were lying on the gurneys. Lunch and studying always worked out for me. But now I was interrupted. It felt strange to eat lunch with someone. But I let myself go and accepted the fact that they were here. I didn't want to send them away since they defended me this morning in the locker room. And since Yang helped me out assigned herself to _his _service. I was grateful. So I didn't say anything and accepted the fact that I was eating lunch with them. And it was actually really nice. We didn't talk much. I thought they would push the topic about me and _him _and what exactly happened between us but they didn't. I already had prepared myself for they questions but they didn't came. And again I was grateful. We fell in a comfortable silence which I appreciated. I thought maybe we would become friends. And then I did something I never really saw coming _"I have a lot of old surgery tapes. Surgeries my mother performed. Wanna watch some of tapes sometimes?" "No shit? You have tapes where Ellis Grey is performing surgeries? I'm so in." _Yang said. _"Me too. I'll bring beer." "Oh. Oh. I'll bring snacks. Just tell me what you like and I'll bring it." _I laughed. Yang was so excited. _"Everything except for Chinese food. I hate Chinese food."_ Now it felt strange to have another 40 hours to go. I think I just made friends. In a strange way. But I was sure I made friends.

In the next 40 hours I assisted Dr. Burke in surgery, grabbed some snack and crashed in an on call room and I was paged because one of Burke's patients crashed but I was able to get him back. So finally my 48 hours shift was over and I was exhausted. Avoiding _him _was exhausting. But I could live with that. I went to the locker room. Yang was the only one in there. _"Heading home?_" She asked. _"Yeah. I just want my bed. You?" "Me too. By the way Shepherd sucks." _When I finished changing into my street clothes I waited until Yang was ready to go. We left the locker room together. We were walking out of the hospital into the rain of Seattle. And the second I stepped out of the Hospital I felt like the rain washed everything clean. I felt better than 48 hours ago. Correction: 48 hours and 42 days.


	3. Chapter 3: Family

Tonight I was going to watch surgeries with Christina and Alex. The last few weeks we got very close. And during our bonding times I found out that Alex grew up in Iowa and had a crappy childhood too. His mom was schizophrenic and his dad was a heroin addicted. He has a younger brother named Aaron and a younger sister named Amber. His father became violent towards him and his mother. One day he beat the crap out of him and his father left and didn't come back. In 5 years Alex went through 17 foster families. Since the day he left for college he didn't went back to Iowa. But he sends them money. So comparing my childhood to Alex', I was a lucky bitch. At least I hadn't gone through 17 foster families.

Christina was raised in Beverly Hills, California. Her mother was always around and tried to interfere in her life. She had the mother Alex and I always imagined about. But when she was 9, Christina and her dad were in an accident. She had to watch her dad bleed out and she couldn't do anything about it. That's the reason why she went to med school. So she maybe had the mother Alex and I always wanted but she had also a very traumatizing experience when she was a little girl.

So we were all damaged. And we weren't damaged in good ways. But maybe we could help each other. Since I found out about Alex' childhood and that he currently had no real home I decided to offer him a room in my mother house. I thought about to sell the place but that would have meant that I need another place. So I kept the house. And know I was going to have a roommate. The thought about the crappy place Alex was living made me feel sick. I considered him and Christina as family. And they considered me as family. We weren't blood related but we shared a special bond. And who says that family always has to be blood related? So it was the most normal thing in the world for me to offer him a room. And the best thing is, Christina's place isn't far away from ours. Ours. It's still strange to share a house with someone. I mean I lived with my mother but we never really shared this house. She wasn't at home. She was always in the hospital so I had the house for me alone all the time. And Alex wasn't a pushy person. So I knew we would get along. And the house was big enough to go out of the way.

For the first time in my life everything felt good. I told my family about me and _him_. I told them everything. How I met _him _at Joes. I told them that _he_ was supposed to be a one night stand. And how our path crossed again and I found out that _he_ was my boss. And my bosses boss. I told them that _he_ was persistent and I gave in. And before I knew it I was in love with _him_. And that _he_ didn't told me about _his_ wife who just showed up. I confessed that I begged _him_. _Pick me. Choose me. Love me. _But that _he_ chose the adulterous wife over me.

My family made clear that they would do anything to keep _him_ away from me. That _he_ wouldn't have another chance to hurt me. So I lost the love of my life but I gained a brother and a sister. But when they asked me if I was still in love with _him_ I told them I was over _him_. That I moved on with my life. That I didn't need _him_. But to be honest. I wasn't over _him_. I was still in love with _him_. And I thought with each day that would pass it would go away. But it didn't I was wrong. Time didn't heal wounds. And now I was pretty well aware of that fact and I asked myself why do people say this? Time heal wounds. It's a lie. And everyone who uses this phrase is a liar. I know they say these things to make the other feel better. But the truth is it doesn't make me feel better. From the outside I looked okay. People would assume that I'm okay. But in the inside I was a huge mess. I was hurt and I was still **devastated**. Three month after _he_ left me I was still in love with _him_. And I was heartbroken. And I was avoiding _him_. And my family helped me avoiding _him_. And when I saw _him _he looked like _he_ is in pain, hurting and regretting. But I decided not to think about _his _looks. I decided to ignore _him_. It was safer this way. Because if I was thinking about _him _and _his _looks it would hurt too much. And I was hurting enough. I didn't need extra hurt. So I didn't permit my mind these thoughts.

If you think it can get any worse, it gets worse. This seems to be the motto of my life. Nothing good happens to me. Life has a cruel way to take the good moments away from me and put me into a dark place.


	4. Chapter 4: Secrets

Since Alex moved in with me I thought it was about time to get rid of some old boxes which belonged to my mother. So I decided to start with the attic, next would be the office and then basement. I actually found some Christmas decoration in the attic. But I couldn't remember that we even celebrated Christmas. But I thought maybe one year I would celebrate Christmas with my family. So I decided to keep the decorations. I also found some boxes with my old stuff. There was this cute knit cap and my Anatomy Jane. But the rest of the boxes were stuff no one needed. I found more surgical tapes in my mother's old office and a lot of medical books and journals. I decided to keep them. They would be helpful while we were studying and doing research. So we had our own little library. I decided to turn my mother's office into our library. And I would set up an office in the spare room I had no use for. We didn't need a guest room. So it would be nice to have an office. But the big surprise was waiting for me in the basement. There were five boxes. I thought I would be walkover to go through the last five boxes. But every box contains journals. My mother's journal. And the craziest thing about this was that my mother had journals. I never thought that she was the type of person who had a journal. I brought to boxes up to my room. I didn't want Alex or Christina finding out about this. I didn't really know my mother but the thought to get to know her was so exciting. I didn't want to share this. Not even with my family. I went through the boxes and found the journals she wrote while she did her internship at Seattle Grace Hospital. I was born when she did her internship there. So I grew up in this hospital. Waiting on the surgical floor and hoping she would notice me. I was really interested why she didn't pay attention to me while she was an intern. But I wasn't prepared for the things I was going to find out about my mother. It pulled off the ground under my feet. And now I couldn't go back. And I had no idea how to handle this fact. This can't be true. This can't be happening. Why would she do that? Every time I asked her she just told me that she didn't know. She knew it. All the time she knew it and she didn't tell me. This was too much for me. I couldn't handle the fact. I closed the journal and put it back into the box. I took the boxes and brought them up to the attic and hoped that no one would ever go up there and find these boxes. I locked up the door to the attic and hid the key. I just wanted to forget but I had no idea how I could forget the things I read. I had no idea how I could go to back to work in the morning. Pretending that I didn't knew things. But the question was does anyone else know? No way was I going to open the Pandora's Box. _"Just forget about everything you read Meredith. This never happened."_ I told myself.

The house was quiet. Alex was on call this night. So I had the house to myself. And my mind was spinning. I just couldn't process what I just read. A few weeks ago I told good bye to Jose but tonight I definitely need Jose. I took out the tequila of the cabinet in the living room where Alex and I kept the liquor. And need the much of this stuff tonight. I just want to forget. I opened the bottle and took a big gulp of the burning liquor. I knew tonight I would drink a lot of the liquor. I was sitting on the couch. My legs crossed and the bottle of the tequila in my hands. I stared at the fire place. When everything came back to my mind. This was my cue that I hadn't enough tequila so I kept drinking. But this time I wasn't able to control my mind. All the things for the latest events flood my mind. _Derek. Married. Christina and Alex. My mother. My father. _I had a father. But I wasn't the guy I always assumed was my father. But did he know that I am his daughter? Did my mother told him the truth or was she lying to him too? It was too much for me. I kept drinking and drinking until everything felt numb. And I kept drinking over the numbness I already felt. I kept drinking until I lost consciousness. Everything went black and at the same time everything felt so warm.

The waking up was hard. I had the worst headache and hangover ever. Since I woke up I hugged my toilet. I was busy throwing up and I knew could not work today. Alex was knocking at my door and telling that I would be late for work. I didn't answer him. After a few minutes he gave up and yelled that he was going to bed. The next break between my throw ups I would use to call in sick. I just wasn't able to go to work. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to face the reality.

A few hours later I heard Alex getting ready for work and leaving the house. I was hiding in my room all day because I didn't want him to see me like this and I definitely didn't want him to know that I called in sick. And right now I just wanted to feel the numbness from last night. Thank god we had a good stock of liquor. I sat at the same spot like the night before with tequila in my lap. And I kept drinking and drinking and trying to shut out the realty. And I was working. The numbness came sooner than I thought. And it felt good. I felt good. I felt like I could conquer the world. And I kept drinking until the unconsciousness came.

And the history repeated itself day after day. A whole week has passed until Alex found my passed out body on the floor in the living room and an empty bottle of tequila. That's when he realized what was going on. That I was drinking every night of the last week. He carried me to my bed. He spent the whole time in bed waiting for me to wake up.

I slowly woke up. I hadn't had a headache. My body got used to the liquor I consumed. I opened my eyes and I saw the worry all written over Alex' face.

"_What's going on Mer?"_ he asked concerned.

"_Nothing is going on. I drank a little too much last night."_ I told him annoyed.

"I didn't show up for work. Talk to me. What's going on?"

"_Nothing is going on Alex. I was sick okay. I had the stomach flu. And since yesterday I feel much_ _better. So I had a drink."_ I nearly yelled at him. I got up and went to the bathroom.

"_This is not over Mer. You know I'm there for you when you are ready to talk." _

"_Whatever. I'm going to be late for work."_


End file.
